Forget all those monotonous monotheistic rules of worship and parental honoring, the Gods of Madison Avenue have ordained that there are more pressing precepts you must observe on Shavuos.
1. Kent Satisfies. Thou Shalt Have No Other Cigarettes Besides Kent.
Not only is it the Law, but it also “makes good sense to smoke KENT.“
2. Except for Salem — the Cigarette that Refreshes.
Just like old-fashioned Yiddish humor, Salem is welcome at any time, but its springtime freshness is especially apt for the festival of Shavuoth!
Adapted from a Salem ad originally aired during 1965 radio broadcasts of “The Jerry Shane Show.”
3. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of this Chef in Vain.
Not only are they milkhik and fit for your Shavuoth feast, but the Chef’s cheese er…”kreplakh” are canned, which we all recognize is so much better than frozen.
4. Remember that Winston Tastes Good, Like a Cigarette Should.
Winston tastes so good, that you don’t even have to take a “hafsmòke” (cigarette break) to smoke one — you can light up in the middle of the hora, just like you did at Sukkoth-time.
5. Honor Thy Shavuoth Guesths.
They bought your son a kiddush cup, they bought your daughter a blender, they’re dutifully eating your herring in sour cream, so not serving them swill is really the least you could do.
6. Thou Shalt Taste Me, Thou Shalt Taste Me and See.
Unlike no-filling blintzes, Doral cigarettes are made for flavor. And the best part is, you don’t have to understand how they work!
Adapted from a Doral cigarette commercial, originally broadcast at 1pm on the Jerry Shane Show, WEVD New York, June 18, 1969.
7. Thou Shalt Not Commit to Sanka.
Remember, Maxwell House “has brought joy and refreshment into far more Jewish homes than any other brand of coffee for many, many years.” So before you reach for the Sanka, think: “is this good for the Jews?“
8. Thou Shalt Not Leave Even a Drop.
Does “ta’am vos is ains in der velt” mean nothing to you? Even if it doesn’t, be polite and drink up
9. Thou Shalt Not Serve Undistinctive Whiskey To Thy Neighbours.
Your guests have been discerning enough to pick your Shevuoth dairy-fest to attend over all others, so why act as if they can’t discern Lord Calvert from, say, Seagram’s?
10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Blintz-Tree.
As illustrated in Aliza Greenblatt’s cautionary poem “Blintshkes,” the Blintz-Tree is nothing but a golden calf: a warm, bubbly, delicious, golden-brown dairy calf. ‘Tis but a dream – covet not!
For the Additional 503 Commandments Regarding Shavuoth-Hosting Ettiquette
Consult the 1503 Northern Italian manuscript edition of Seyfer minhogem, available at la Bibliothèque nationale de France.